Working late

So as the breadwinner, I'm often left with the difficult decisions of working late or going home to see my boys.  In a bubble, it seems like a pretty easy choice.  I'd do anything to see my boys, but I also would do anything to make sure they have what they need and will have what they need in the future.

That's why this choice is not easy.  I'm not independently wealthy, so in order to make sure my family has what they need I need to spend time away from them, doing things that cause me great stress.  Yes, I do enjoy what I do for a living, but it pales in comparison to my boys and wife. 

I miss putting my oldest to bed.  Reading to my youngest.  Watching TV with my wife, which I can usually still do when I work late, but not tonight.  It's going to be insanely late tonight thanks to upgrading Call Manager...

So it's sometimes sad to think about all the growing up that I miss by being at work.  I know I get plenty and probably don't even appreciate all that I do get, but I can't help but want more.

Catching up

Ok, so I've learned that being a father is quite time consuming, leaving little to no time to myself.  So to catch people up, I'm now a two time father of boys.  They are 16 months and 3.5 years old, and amazing.  Their mother and I love every second we have with them and value our time without them as well.

So, what have I learned since my last update?  Well, I'm sure it's plenty, but what have I forgotten since then?  Just as much if not more.  So I love being a father, and I enjoy writing quite a bit, so I'm going to make an attempt to do this on a more regular basis, perhaps twice a week and then when the whimsy strikes me.

Teething isn't fun for anyone

So I'm sitting here this morning and instead of killing time by surfing the web, I thought I would actually post something.  So the young lad has been going through teething, already with 4 teeth and getting a 5th and soon to be 6th and I gotta say, there's definitely a reason we don't remember that.  It could either be on purpose, or it could be the brain's self defense thing where it forgets a traumatic experience.

Either way, he's not really enjoying the experience all that much, and consequently, neither am I and his mother.  He's not a screamer at all, but he does wake up about every hour at night, which is no fun for me since I'm the one that gets up with him.

On the other hand, he's going through first accomplishments left and right.  He's crawling now, he says Dada, he claps and high fives...  it's like he's a whole person!  It's truly amazing watching him develop and form who he is.  Parenthood is definitely the hardest and most rewarding thing I have ever done.  Also the most exhausting.  I don't know when the last time I got 8 hours of sleep in.

That time keeps a slippin'

So the time has flown by.  My son is almost 20 lbs., he has 3 teeth and a 4th, 5th, and 6th coming in quick.  He's almost 9 months old.  He crawls.  He says dadadada.  He does all kinds of things that amaze me every day.  Being a dad is the hardest, most grueling thing I can imagine doing.  But it is so easy to do all those things for him.

I need to really make myself write in here more often.  I do enjoy doing it, and I enjoy reading the older posts, it's just so hard to find the time.  I vow to make a post in the next few days that break things down a little bit and help me remember some things.

Time off of work is great

So my work is pretty cool.  I get 2 weeks of paternity leave when my wife has a child.  I also saved up 12 vacation days and have used it all at once.  I've been home for 3 weeks now, with another week and a half to go.

All I can say is that is a great decision I've made.  I've had all the time to bond with my boy.  It's been amazing.  I have sadly started to drift off into thoughts of work.  I love spending time with him, but work is a large part of my life.  I feel bad that I think of work while I'm with him.  He and my wife are my life, or really probably like 99% of my life.

Life changes can be crazy

That instant is the instant every father will remember the rest of their lives, when you first see your child pass from status of "fetus" to status of "live human." It's an amazing moment that is so big and drastic, it will probably take me years to realize just how deep that crater of impact runs.

Moments like those are such a rarity in life, you would think we would appreciate them more.  I had my total focus on the moment.  I was completely in it and enjoying every second of it.  Yet, some of it seems to be fading from memory.  I don't know if I truly appreciated and soaked in every second of it.  I'm logically and rationally sure I did, but emotionally I feel like it's slipping.

What would make it easier would be if I could put things into words.  Language has many strengths, but it can be very limiting still.  That moment of seeing his head starting to pop out was so mind blowing.  It's like being hit with a sledge hammer over the head, but it does hurt, it just breaks down your old self and reveals a greater purpose for yourself.  You feel true meaning in your life, and now really understand what responsibility really is.  And the joy, you really feel blissful joy.  I've had plenty of really happy times in my life, my wedding my graduation etc., but nothing even approaches just the flood of joy you feel when you meet your child for the first time.  I'm not a big religious person, but that moment you know God.  

And the bond you feel with your wife...  wow.  It's all the same you feel toward your child.  Plus you throw in a touch of concern and sympathy due to the pain of giving birth.  It's an amazing thing that she did and she did it great.  Our boy is perfect, largely because of all her efforts.  I could never love her more or be more proud of her.

He arrived

I'm posting this at the time of his birth, but clearly writing it well after.  

I have to say, nothing is more profoundly life altering than watching your child being born.  I know I'm not the first or last to espouse this claim, but words just cannot describe just how miraculous it is.  The most powerful joyous emotions I have ever felt all rushed in the moment I saw that little head poking through.  The tufts of hair brought tears to my eyes.  The earnest cry for air tugged at my heart.  Stroking his face for the first time as he rested on his mother's chest nearly buckled my knees as I was so tremendously happy to meet my son for the first time.  

For anyone considering having children, do it now.  Don't wait.  You'll never be ready and never have enough money and it will never be the right time.  It will blow your mind though just how great it is.